Originally, this post was going to be one about frustration. However, in the process of rewiring my brain/recovery, I am also trying to rewire my outlook and emotions to have less negative outcomes.;Frustration has a negative reputation, so I decided to rewire frustration into its less negative cousin, observation. It makes sense to my brain since frustration comes about due to observation. Also, one of my all time favorite books, Elsewhere by Gabrielle Zevin, references something called the ‘observation deck’. I feel that the majority of my recovery time, if not all of it, is spent on this observation deck. Albeit in the book, those who spend time on the observation deck are dead, but the symbolism still holds. They are dead and observing how their loved ones on earth are still very much alive and are continuing to live after their loved one has passed.
There are parts of the recovery journey where I feel like the stroke actually succeeded in killing me, and I am actually on this observation deck located somewhere on the island of Elsewhere. In the last month or so I have been feeling this a lot more than in other points of recovery. Like the good scientist that I am, I will provide my set of data and examples for my emotional hypothesis/epiphany. I am finally getting back into the workforce (!!!!!) and needed to set up a remote work corner for myself. However, I can't build furniture and shift it around like I could before. So I was left watching my parents do all the labor while I stood there in an attempt to at least feel like I was participating.
In the last month, I have decided to stop letting my stroke and the subsequent recovery process force me into living half-life. I want to live a full, bright, happy life. However, I can't help but notice how much having a stroke has affected my life, whether it's applying for jobs or partaking in family celebrations or other things that people my age partake in. For example, I recently had a family celebration that involved dancing.Pre-stroke you could find me living it up on the dance floor of any celebratory event. However, when it came time to dance at the most recent celebratory event, I suddenly realized how much the stroke had stolen from me. I was left observing from the observation deck and to be quite frank; it fucking sucked. I had to pep talk myself to make it to the dancing area and made my way over to bop on the dance floor. The second I tried to bop like my pre-stroke self, my tone kicked into high gear. And then crept in the frustration. I get so mad and frustrated with my body, until I remind myself that half of my body is technically only 15 months old (at best). I wouldn't get mad at a 15 month old for trying and failing to dance so I can't get mad at myself (my affected side) for doing that. The funny part is that this week I told my mom how I want to sign up for a dance class because I hate how robotic my body feels post stroke, but based on my observations from the dance floor the other night, I think I will have to wait just a bit longer; after all, kids don’t start dance class until they are about two or three years old, right? It's important to always be gentle with yourself, both in recovery and regardless of recovery.
We have to talk about the hard parts or we will never be able to share the burden of the weight on our shoulders. When I left the celebration, my mom asked how I was feeling, and if it was hard for me. I think she knew that the answer was yes but still, she opened the door of opportunity to talk about the pain of being stuck on the observation deck. I am guilty of trying to play everything off as cool and good and not so shitty, but my mom can see through my bullshit smiles. This is something I have only recently learned to break free from in my chapter of recovery. Life isn't always about smiles and laughter, but it also doesn't always have to be about tears and pain. We need balance. We need a community to share the burden of the pain and we need the community to celebrate with smiles and laughter. As much as I hate being stuck on the observation deck, I have learned a lot and I am grateful for every lesson on the deck. Invite people to the deck and don't be scared to take someone's hand and step off the deck towards your new life of adventure.
Keep bopping to the top ;)
**emoji's are in the picture to ensure others privacy but also cause they make the picture look even more fun!**
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