At the end of this month, which happens to be stroke awareness month, I will be celebrating my second rebirthday, a day I could not have imagined would ever arrive while in the darkness of the beginning days of recovery. I’m sure I’m not alone in my thoughts at the beginning of my recovery journey. In the beginning I quite honestly didn’t understand why I was alive if I was subjected to half a life. I truly, deeply believed everything would be better, for everyone, if I was dead.I would refuse to push myself in rehab. And when I did I would only do it because “worst case, I could fall, hit my head, and seal the deal with death”. My attitude was horrendous, and all I did was cry (probably since I was grieving the life I lost due to my stroke, from frustration and from the medical trauma i experienced and continued to experience) And then my physical therapist got down on my level, and asked me, “what’s worth fighting for?” I feel like I laughed hysterically. Everyday I was just telling myself that eventually I’ll fall and finally die. But then I thought about it and I started to feel guilty. How could I leave behind my family? My nieces and nephews? So I answered, “playing with my nieces and nephews like I did pre-stroke and Disneyland”
I was reassured that I had time to work on getting to Disneyland because it was closed from the pandemic anyways. Nonetheless, it got me fighting to take back my life and not drown in the sorrow of being a stroke patient. I started putting weight on my leg, standing at first with a full leg brace, then slowly just supporting my knee and ankle. Then I was walking with a walker, doing laps around the ward, pushing myself up and down the stairs. Practicing getting down on the floor and getting up from the floor. All to prepare for that moment that I get to be with my nieces and nephews and for that moment that I get to be at Disney.
I’ve been playing with my nieces and nephews for quite some time,improving every time, at least that’s how it feels. However, on May 10,2022, I FINALLY WENT TO DISNEY after speaking about it for roughly 485 days.
I was sure that I’d be so overwhelmed with happiness and self pride that I would cry. Instead I just played ultimate tourist and took what felt like a trillion pictures of the entrance. I walked a total of 5 miles during the day and was able to withstand the 50-75min wait in the standby lines. By the end of the day, my feet felt like I was walking on sandpaper (pretty sure everyone feels like this though) but my heart felt SO full. I went with my friend Jenny, who is technically a childhood friend but like I told her, middle school and high school to me, felt like the beginning of my adult life so I feel like she’s an adulthood friend. Anyways, she was so patient with me and seemed to know what support I needed and when. It was quite the adventure getting on and off a couple rides. My stubbornness has only increased during stroke recovery and I was adamant that I wanted to get on and off like any other person in line. Some might call that internalized ableism, I call it taking back my life by force so I can move forward in my ultimate mission and help others heal.
When I get to that ultimate mission, I feel like I’m gonna plan Disney days for my patients where we can move at their pace but to show them that there’s still fun in the world worth living for. Thank you Jenny for thinking of me in your impromptu Disney plans! And thank you universe for ensuring everything aligned for this special milestone.
Enjoy my montage of my day at Disney.
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