*Disclaimer: I started this blog as a way for younger stroke survivors(or any stroke survivor or any survivor or anyone in recovery or just anyone who needs a community) and I sometimes share personal life takes because I feel like I’ve learned so much about myself that holds a stark contrast in pre stroke me and post stroke me. This blog post is one of those things. *
Mirror Mirror on the wall, who is the most fucked up of them all?
Oh wait, it's definitely not me; but the mirror that is recovery sure does a good job of making me feel like I am.
I came to the conclusion that recovery is like having a full body mirror following you around 24/7. There are moments of freedom; but those moments are very rare. Sometimes the mirror of recovery even haunts me in my dreams.
I’ve never been a fan of mirrors. Unless I am at the gym, then I like looking in the mirror when working out so that I can correct my form, but outside of that, I think mirrors are a bit pointless; the perfect punishment if you will. Although real mirrors are supposed to reflect reality, they often distort our perception of reality (looking at you, body image issues) . For example, when I look at myself in a real mirror, I don't feel that I look as disabled as I am. When I'm looking into the fictional, mysterious “mirror of recovery,” I feel way more disabled than I look. See the issue here?
If you're a Harry Potter nerd like me, you may be thinking about how my distorted image of myself in situations with a real mirror kind of draws comparisons to the Mirror of Erised. If you are not a Harry Potter fan (we all make mistakes) the Mirror of Erised is a mirror that shows one's truest desire. Erised is desire spelled backwards. In the series, Harry Potter never met his parents (as in they died when he was a baby so no core memories with them [for my Inside Out fans ;)]) and when he stumbles across it, he sees his parents standing behind him, smiling with their hands on his shoulders, symbolizing a complete, proud and happy family. The headmaster of Harry’s school discovers that Harry has found the mirror and warns him of the negative effects it can have on someone who spends too much time staring into it. Even with the warning, Harry spends a lot of time staring into the Mirror of Erised. So much so that the headmaster has to remove it and find it a new secret storage space. I sometimes feel like the real mirrors of my life are the Mirror of Erised. I want so badly to be “better”, so badly to “be like before” that when I look in a real mirror I feel like I am looking at pre-stroke me. The funny thing is, pre-stroke I was SO unhappy, so do I really want to be like I was before? What I really want is a world accessible to me and my community and independence; both physically and financially. If I'm being completely honest, I am probably a happier person now overall post-stroke than I ever was pre-stroke. It’s kind of funny when you think about it. Defying death has kind of a comical effect on how I live life. I have no fucks left to give; unless it's to help heal and love others and myself.
Anyways, back to the recovery mirror point…
...I’ve come to some conclusions about myself while being haunted by the recovery mirror. Things I assumed, or thought I knew prestroke but that have become increasingly evident post stroke. I’m too much for a lot of people I interact with; and even some relatives. What I mean is that I feel deeply and intensely, and I’m also easily excited and have a lot of love to give, both platonic and romantic. I feel like an anomaly most of the time; I always have and the stroke just exacerbated it.
Here’s why I feel like an anomaly:
Exhibit A (there’s no exhibit B, just roll with me ;]):
Growing up, my support system was filled with feminists of all genders (my grandma had a master’s degree and was a working mom at a time that said it was impossible, hell yeah!) As I have branched out, beyond my beautiful, feminist support system, I am told by society that I should be quiet, keep my head down, keep to myself, not share my thoughts and opinions, not love my beautiful chunky, currently disabled (possibly eternally disabled) body, suffer in silence, not overwhelm those around me because G-d forbid I’ll be seen as an “emotional woman” (Uh oh! Lunatic alert! ) I’ve been told by many people (mostly male, and generations above me) that I’m an intimidating person. Is it because I refuse to follow the rules made up within society to keep me in line with being a “proper woman”?
Here’s the thing. I was raised by feminists, sometimes with outdated opinions and who let the negative outside voices in, but nonetheless, feminists :) I refuse to live by society's outdated and impossible rules and boxes ( I mean obviously I’m a law abiding citizen, let’s not get carried away, eh?) but I’m sick of keeping my happiness contained within the vessel that carries my soul (aka my body). It’s funny, because prestroke I was quiet, hated and avoided showing an ounce of emotion, which is interesting because if you look at all my best friends, they feel their emotions and don’t shy away from feeling them openly. So they, along with my stroke and the community I found on social media, taught me that emotions aren’t something to be ashamed of. They are meant to be felt and expressed (without causing intentional pain to others). Also, life is SO fucking short and nothing is guaranteed, except death (unless you’re a vampire👀, but even then the Cullens showed us that vampires can die with the right tools so🤔). Why not enjoy life while we have it? To be honest, those that are intimidated by my love, light and energy have some self work to do. I'm not going to take up less space because someone is uncomfortable within themselves. That’s not my burden to carry; I've got enough on my shoulders as is. Sometimes I get overwhelmed when the recovery mirror stalks me, but then I remember that just like I make faces in a real mirror at myself, I can do that with the recovery mirror. So if you see my shimmy-ing or bopping out in the world, leave me be, it's how I keep the recovery mirror at bay!
Things I’ve learned through the stalking of the recovery mirror:
Recovery is the most exhausting and exhilarating experience. It makes me question the type of healthcare professional I was pre stroke and what kind of human I want to be post-stroke/post recovery(if that's even a thing).
Another lesson i've learned from the stalking mirror; forgiveness:
Dear past patients, I owe you a deep and sincere apology. Not that any of you will read this, but I need to release it into the universe. I didn’t fully get it before, but I do now and I am sorry it took my world turning inside out and upside down to understand it. I always thought of myself as an empathetic person and healthcare professional but I realize now, I could have done and I could have been more. I wish there was a way I could understand it back then to save you headache and pain but unfortunately I cannot go back in time. I can only move forward and be a better healthcare professional once I am back in the workforce. I have been sitting and marinating in these feelings for months. Part of the reason I want so badly to return to the workforce is to right the wrongs I did before. They were not intentional but I was uneducated and did not quite understand. I am sorry I sometimes left you to fend for yourself when you didn't know how to advocate for yourself. I should've stepped in when you let your physician’s intimidation tactics and ego stop you from receiving the full care you deserved.I am sorry I didn’t fight harder for your voice to be heard, that I took the words of the certified medical professionals to be the full and true story. I'm sorry I didn't ask the right questions at the right time; that I didn't listen to my gut and step in to better assist you.
I hope the healthcare system treats you loads better from here on out. I will fight for you from afar. I promise to learn from the lesson I am being taught and remember you on my hard days so I have a purpose to fight the system that has hurt more people than it has healed; which is the exact opposite purpose of the system.
With that being said, I also want to write myself an apology, for not advocating for myself within this broken healthcare system. For not following my gut and questioning the doctors that set me up for this stroke. I should have fought for myself better. I am sorry for listening to outside voices that told me I take up too much space, that I am not perfectly lovable just the way I am. I forgive myself for thinking other people's opinion about me matters more than my opinion about me. I'm sorry to myself for looking into the mirror of recovery and believing the falsehoods it shows me. Dear me, I'm sorry I didn't properly value the queen that you are. Dear me, don't forget to kick that recovery mirror to the curb with your right leg, the second you can stand on your left leg for more than 3.5 seconds.
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