The year of love; that's how I think I'll summarize my second year as a stroke patient.
Like I’ve said before, milestone times like birthdays are times of heavy reflection for me. This entire month I’ve been reflecting deeply on my journey so far. The common denominator I've found in all the warm moments is love.
One thing they LOVE to tell you throughout stroke recovery is that “you’ll be in recovery for the rest of your life” this doesn’t necessarily mean being in outpatient rehabilitation for the rest of your days, but I think that the longest part of recovery is the recovery of your soul. The shock it had to absorb in the in between of this world and the next. It’s something that I think only other brain injury survivors can understand. I’ll include any trauma survivors to that group of understanders too. There’s just something that being on the brink of death does to one’s soul. Maybe during that in between, your soul gets some time to reconnect and gain insight from the other souls in your life that have already passed on. All I remember from my unconscious time is black, but the more I think about it, the more I choose to believe that I was spending time with my loved ones that have left the physical world. I guess I just needed that time with them and the cost was a stroke. If only my brain could remember that time. But alas, what the brain doesn't remember, the heart and soul do.
I’ve come to realize that although growth hurts with stretch marks and growth spurts, it’s one of the most beautiful things one can experience. If I had to sum up what I think my motto for the second year of recovery is, I’d have to say it’s “what if it all works out”?
Okay, so maybe I’m not back to 100% yet like I thought I would for sure be at my 1st rebirthday. But here’s a list of accomplishments I’ve made by my 2nd rebirthday:
-I rejoined the workforce
-I took my first solo vacation and solo cross country flight
-I’ve rejoined the road as a driver
-I can walk on a treadmill without holding on
-I can rotate 360 on a moving treadmill
-I can walk backwards on a treadmill
-I went to Disneyland and walked a cumulative 5 miles in one day
-I went to the safari and walked a cumulative of 4.5 miles in one day
-I’ve changed diapers for my niece and nephews (number 1 and 2)
-I can refill my niece and nephews water bottles and some meals/snacks
-I got a new tattoo on my affected side
-I can handle a pedicure and a manicure without my affected side ruining it
-I’ve dipped a toe in the dating waters (0/10, would not recommend)
-I decided to change careers and so I went back to community college for classes (I got an A in my class!!)
-I can jump
-I’ve fallen madly in love with myself in ways I could only dream about pre-stroke
-I’ve created a community
-I’ve made new friends and restrengthened old friendships
-I can give two handed hugs
-I can clip my hair back and up
-I can sometimes do a low, very very messy ponytail
-I can shower standing, without a grab bar
-I’ve switched to a plant based diet
I didn’t set any hard deadline goals for this rebirthday. I’ve learned in recovery, that you can only take things one day at a time and eventually there will come a day where you accomplish what you’ve been dreaming of. It can be daunting, especially when you look at the big picture, but something I’ve learned this year is that the time is going to pass regardless, so why not at least try and work towards what you want to accomplish?
One day you’ll reach the literal or figurative finish line that you could only dream of.
I also feel that in this past year, and especially since the stroke, a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Everything feels lighter and brighter, it’s truly magical what can happen when we change our perspective and fall back in love with life (and take antidepressants lol). This change also makes connections harder. I can’t be bothered with small talk anymore,life is too short. I want to do a deep dive into someone’s heart and soul. This is hard in a world that is very superficial. I won’t be adjusting myself though, I enjoy my acts of rebellion. I think that my rebel side is what has pushed me this far in recovery so far. I’ve been surviving out of spite. Out of spite for those who told me I couldn’t, I’m so glad I’m proving them wrong with each passing day that I wake up again and fight.
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